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When it comes to parenting, everyone has an opinion…usually a very loud opinion that they aren’t afraid to share. When I am spotted erring from a particular standard, the deduction is obvious: I am a bad mommy. No matter what I do, in someone’s eyes, I am doing the wrong thing. When I read parenting books and magazines, I’m overcome with guilt for falling short and anxiety because I know I will continue to fall short. And my daughter is only one month old.

I am a nervous wreck. Today I burst into tears after discovering that I should have been having "tummy time" 2-3 times a day since Alice was born. What else am I doing wrong? How else am I slowly killing my daughter? I’m conscientious. I try really hard, but somehow I can’t shake the feeling that I’m making a terrible mess of mothering my child.

When Alice was born, I promptly panicked. I realized that I had been entrusted with a tiny baby with a soul that will never die. The weight of responsibility crashed down on me, and I felt myself spinning out of control. I had to get a grip, a plan, a philosophy. So, desperately groping for support, my fingers closed around a copy of "Babywise" by Gary Ezzo. I read the book again and again, attempting to soak in order while trying to navigate a vast ocean of the frightening and unfamiliar. And somehow in the midst of my terror and hysteria, wanting to do the right thing turned into needing to be a perfect mother with a perfect child. Somehow, Gary Ezzo became my God.

That’s not right. For one thing, I’m beginning to think that Gary Ezzo is an opinionated buffoon with his very own cult. For another, though the book is somewhat helpful, I don’t think Alice is a good candidate for the Babywise blueprint. These first few weeks are too precious to try to force her to conform to a Baby Boot Camp. She has her own agenda; she is her own person. I can control when she eats (to some extent), but I can’t make her wake when she’s asleep, and I can’t force her to sleep when her eyes are wide open. She has all of her "wake time" in one big batch in the evening…this has been her rhythm from the time her movements were big enough to be felt inside my womb. Gary Ezzo doesn’t know Alice.

You can successfully raise a child using one (or a combination of) wildly varied methods or philosophies. Or even (gasp) no method or philosophy at all! Did my parents fret themselves into hysteria if I fell asleep in my swing rather than my crib? I don’t think so, and yet look how marvelously I turned out! (Okay, so I’m in shambles…bad example) You can drive yourself crazy in a hurry by trying to follow any regiment to a "T", which is why most parents "wing it." Believe me, I’m considering joining their ranks!

I know, I know. Any philosophy I adopt should no more than a helpful hint from Heloise compared to my faith in Christ to love, provide for, and sanctify the McKinney family. But sometimes when I’m frightened and overwhelmed, I want a more concrete answer than that. Why can’t I just trust God to take care of us? He always has, after all. I don’t have a good answer for that right now. Hopefully one day I can explain how this difficult time made us all better people. That is, of course, if we survive.

Let's face it. Breastfeeding can be really boring. In fact, Alice finds it so boring that she frequently dozes off in the middle of her meal. Since I spend about 1/3 of my life breastfeeding/trying to coax a burp out of Alice, I try to keep myself entertained by watching movies. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. The Painted Veil: Beautiful to behold, this is a lush and poignant tale of a selfish and shallow woman falling in love with her husband in the remote Chinese wildnerness.
2. Frida: Julie Taymor's remarkable depiction of the triumphant and somewhat tragic life of Mexican artist Frida Kahlo, who is passionately played by Salma Hayek. I used to just be freaked out by Kahlo's odd, painful art (not to mention that angry-looking unibrow), but now I feel a appreciation, affection and compassion for her.
3. Sense and Sensibility: Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, and my dreamy Alan Rickman, all working together to tell a Jane Austen story. Who wouldn't love that? Even Hugh Laurie of "House" pops in this movie. Perfection.
4. Amelie: I can't say that I've seen a lot of foreign films, but this French piece is actually pretty accessible. Extraordinarily playful and imaginative, Amelie is a shy but brilliant young woman who must overcome her social cowardice to find love.
5. Nacho Libre: A Mexican Catholic monk has a secret longing to become a luchadore, marry a nun, and raise a bunch of ninos...the possibilities are endless. The best part is when Nacho decides to compose a special love song for his beloved Incarnacion. Jack Black is hysterical in this lovable role.
6. Wings of the Dove: Two women. One man. Trouble brewin'. More than just a juicy love story, this is beautiful period piece is a tragic tale of greed, deceit, and ultimately, forgiveness.
7. Anne of Green Gables 1 and 2: These movies were probably the single redeeming product of the 80s. I'm still as charmed by them as I was as a young girl, and I look forward to Alice enjoying them with me.
8. The Prestige: Dueling magicians go to great lengths to outdo each other in this seriously intense and thrilling movie.
9. Dr. Zhivago: I first saw this movie at the tender age of 13. I was entirely too young, and the references to the Russian Revolution were totally lost on me, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. The movie grows on you the more you watch it, and you "get it" more.
10. Zoolander: The movie imagines the vapid lives of male models. Sheer fun. Utterly quotable.

Lil' Alice's Honorable Mentions:
1. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers: Even I can tell that this is the perfect musical, and I'm no more than a baby! Those folks knew how to dance back in the olden days!
2. Miss Potter: Beatrix Potter is my hero. She was a magnificent artist, conservationist, and the best kind of feminist. I think we would get along. We both like bunnies.
3. The Sound of Music: Still marvelous after all these years, this musical is full of fun and frolic...until the Nazis come and ruin it all for everyone.
4. Marie Antoinette: This movie is as pretty and pink as, well, Lil Baby Alice! Kirsten Dunst does a great job "keeping it real" as the infamous French queen.
5. Sweeney Todd: Mommy saw this movie when I lived in her belly. I'm surprised it didn't put her into an early labor. We don't think we'll be renting it on a regular basis for a nice, relaxing evening, but it is extremely well done.

In your elementary school social studies classes, one of the things you probably learned was how to tell when a society had "arrived." This was usually characterized by having enough of a break in your busy day of scavenging for berries and slaying mammoths to create a nice cave painting, terra cotta vase, or weird Easter Island head…or to write a blog entry. If this is the defining mark of civilization, then it appears that the McKinney family is slowly but surely shifting from survival mode to order. Although, to be honest, I’m cheating a bit…this entry is stitched together from patches of ideas I’ve had for the last three days, and I’m composing it while I should be napping.

Alice is two weeks old today, and she is a charming, healthy, beautiful little girl. In spite of her penchant for unapologetic flatulence, her tendency to snooze stubbornly while I’m trying to feed her, and the occasional inexplicable hissy fit, she is also a very good baby. However, in spite of all her sweetness and loveliness, she is still a baby. Clay and I have been turned upside down, shaken vigorously, and set back down with our heads spinning. I refer to this as the "Snow Globe Effect." The dust is starting to settle, and we are orienting ourselves to what my friend Mary calls "The New Normal." Every day gets a little more familiar and a little more comfortable, and it’s good to get on the route to my new life.

These past few days, I have been trying to process what just happened to me. I’ve been trying to understand and piece together who this little lady is, and who I am now. Perhaps trying to comprehend all the mysteries of Alice coming into my life as my flesh-and-blood daughter is like trying to take in the vastness of outer space…thinking about it only makes me dizzy.

God is changing me, and as everyone knows, change is bad! It’s hard for me to put myself on the back burner. When Alice arrived, I realized more fully what a selfish person I am. It is so overwhelmingly, incredibly hard to be everything Alice needs. Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy this time and to make the most of it. I think the reason people want others to savor this time is that they themselves didn’t, and they regret it. They are right, though…I do need to take the time to enjoy this. It is a sweet time, and it’s my prayer that it’s only going to get sweeter and sweeter.

Two days ago I woke up with my heart swelling…the last time I felt like that was when I was swept off my feet by that no-good scoundrel, Clay McKinney. Everyone speaks of the feeling of being so full of love for your child that you think you will burst…that feeling had nestled into my heart! I was so happy…in a state of perfect peace. Of course, it’s easy to feel in love after you’ve had an unusually good night of sleep or a particularly sweet breastfeeding session. However, it’s not easy to feel sweetness and warmth when I’m exhausted and I can’t cure my child’s crying. My love for Alice is like my love for Clay...more than a feeling, it’s a choice.

Here’s to my gorgeous daughter, my beloved husband, and The New Normal!