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For Mother's Day 2008, I blogged about my admiration for working moms. I was planning to extol the virtues of my fellow stay-at-home-moms next Mother's Day, but I find that I can't wait any longer. The infamous Mommy Wars have found their way to my front door, and it seems that I need to defend myself. It amazes me how something that was once so ubiquitous as a stay-at-home mom should now be such a dangerous novelty. While it shouldn't be necessary for me to offer any explanations or excuses for my choice to stay at home with Alice, perhaps what is needed here is a clarification of why we S.A.H.M.s take the old-fashioned route instead of the expressway to the top of the corporate ladder.
You know, Erma Bombeck once described motherhood as the second oldest profession. Women have been raising their babies for millennia. But only recently has it been the norm for women to raise kids and work outside of the home. Since World War II, we have seen the development of the working mom and the dual income home. This is great! Having two incomes usually means more money and thus a higher standard of living than folks were used to in the past. There's no doubt that working moms have brought increased prosperity to our nation. Nicer houses, more vacations, and better Christmas gifts for the youngsters are all good things. But sometimes when mom works outside of the home, children are raised without quality parental interaction and supervision, with a sense of entitlement, and with skewed priorities. These are some of the things that have caused so many women to decide to become S.A.H.M.s
In December 2005, journalist and self-proclaimed philosopher Linda R. Hirshman published an article in the "progressive" magazine The American Prospect. The article (and the subsequent Washington Post article) stated that S.A.H.Ms were hurting themselves and hurting society by wasting their intellect and education on housekeeping and raising children. She said that S.A.H.Ms' lives did not involve risks and rewards and that they were not honored and respected. Ouch! Clearly, we are not honored and respected by, say, radical feminist liberals. But that doesn't mean that we are not honored and respected in general, and it certainly doesn't indicate that we are not worthy of honor and respect.
Women have the singular gift of being able to conceive, carry and give birth to children. Women have throughout history tended to be nurturers. We are even able to sustain a child through breastfeeding. Our biological link to our children has bound them to us. It is this bond that S.A.H.Ms have reclaimed and celebrated. Children do not raise themselves. Someone has to care for them. It might as well be their moms. This is not child worship or domestic slavery to one's husband. This is simply a natural method of child rearing that has been proven to work throughout history and around the world. One might say it is what we as women were made for.
S.A.H.Ms are not idle. Mothering and housekeeping are hard jobs with few breaks and no vacations. We are not ignorant or repressed. The S.A.H.Ms I know are brilliant, educated, creative, and happy women. I personally find my life as a S.A.H.M much more rewarding and enjoyable than the years I spent in a drab office with artificial plants. Yes, I actually enjoy hanging out with my baby. I like keeping house. I have decided that this is the better life. No one is allowed to judge me for that. No one is allowed to tell me that I have chosen poorly. I am not responsible for any stalls in feminism, unless it is the evil kind that needs to be stalled.
Linda Hirshman suggests that my children will not see me as a strong role model because I don't have a elite career. She thinks I won't be able to stimulate their intellect and get them to make something of themselves. On the contrary. Stimulating our childrens' minds is one of the reasons we S.A.H.Ms have made this choice. I plan to instill my kids with a love of reading, art, history, and God. Linda Hirshman chalks the S.A.H.M craze up to a bunch of wacko fundamentalists. Of course, I should have suspected that this would boil down to persecution of Christian ideals. But, yes, to be honest, my religious beliefs did contribute to my life as a S.A.H.M. What of it?
If my daughter grows up to become a S.A.H.M herself, that doesn't mean she was raised without a concept of her own potential. Life is not about cash and career. Life is not about fancy meals, lots of nice powersuits, and the best house in Brentwood. We've cut back a lot since Alice was born. We usually eat at a restaurant once a week. We spend a lot of time at Wal-Mart. We get most of our clothes from Goodwill. It's been an adjustment. But we love it! We don't miss our old, childless lives.
This weekend, a relative asked what I was doing these days. I told him I was staying at home with Alice. He replied, "That’s a luxury that most people don't get to enjoy." Well, friend, luxurious isn't the word I would use. Try "sacrifice." Come to think of it, perhaps it is sacrifice that Linda Hirshman cannot abide. She is horrified by the idea of a woman sacrificing a life of self for a life of service to someone so unworthy as a husband and a child. She is determined that women should not be inconvenienced by a needy infant, and nothing should stand in the way of the quest for a corner office, a better title, and a larger salary. But what happens when the nanny is the one your child reaches for, who gets to witness all the precious milestones? I say: If you aren't going to be there for your kids, don't have any.
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