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If you are like me, attending a funeral is probably the last place you want to spend your day. Still, if you are like me, you have probably undergone the Funeral Experience more than once. I have attended my fair share of funerals. In addition to having buried three of my grandparents, I have also mourned the loss of several family members and friends along the way. Recently it struck me that we in America really don't do such a great job of handling death. We spend our whole lives clinging desperately to the ideals of youth and health and beauty. We refuse to acknowledge the reality of death, and indeed it seems that in our culture, it is the last great taboo. When our loved ones die, we send them to the Great Beyond in an anemic display of vanilla blandness. This is truly tragic. There is a sense in which our entire lives are looking toward the day we die. Why, then, are our lives not celebrated more when we pass away? Why do our lives have to peter out with such a fizzle of disappointment?
I submit to you that it is high time for Funeral Reform. Here are some ideas for reinventing the funeral experience.
1. Evacuate the House of Death: Funeral homes are places of absolute silence, bad artwork, ghastly lighting, and terrible pre-recorded music. They are places you can't wait to get out of. One of the reasons for this is that they don't provide a lot of variety in the way they process funerals...they really do just have one way of doing things. Funeral homes often boast that they treat the dead and their families with dignity. Unfortunately, in their minds, dignified equals boring. Funeral homes are important, no doubt, for the necessary behind-the-scenes preparation of the body. But that's no reason to linger there for the actual funeral. I think I've only attended one funeral that didn't take place in a funeral home. Why is this? I suppose funeral homes are the most convenient places, but they are by no means the best.
2. This time, it's personal: As I look back on the funerals I have attended, it can be hard to distinguish one from another. Most of them are blanketed in a fuzzy, nondescript haze. Funerals should be a time to remember the deceased in full color. Bring in your photographs and stories. Ditch the pre-recorded music and have everyone sing the person's favorite songs. Dress the deceased in their favorite garments, not the most somber thing you can find. Surround them with things they liked in life. If they were avid quilters, display the quilts they were proudest of. If they collected jade elephants, bring in their favorite piece. If they loved Italian food, cater their favorite meal and enjoy it as a family. Yes, funerals are times for solemnity, but they should also be personal and meaningful.
3. To Pastorize or not to Pastorize? I don't understand the ubiquitous presence of a preacher at funerals, even if the deceased never darkened the door of a church and in fact shot at preachers as they walked past his house. Nothing is more uncomfortable than listening to a preacher praise the devout personal holiness of a person who was widely regarded as a bonafide heck-raiser. Why is religion suddenly on everyone's mind when someone dies? Why does the family trick the preacher into thinking Uncle Bob is now safe in the arms of Jesus when they know it's not true? On the other hand, if the deceased was a Christian, then their funeral is so much more worshipful and honest if it is performed by a preacher who knew the deceased instead of just some fella who you hired out of the phonebook.
4. Invest in some nice cemetery statuary: If there is anything more loathsome than a funeral home, it's a cemetery. Grungy-looking fake flowers, identical grave markers, and ugly knickknacks make a cemetery one place I dread ending up. When we lived in Fairview, I often drove past graves that were decorated for the season, even if that season was Halloween! There were actual, physical ghost decorations on these people's graves! Ugh! Whatever happened to beautiful cemetery statues, or even simple, beautiful crosses? Your grave is where your body is going to rest until the end of the world. It might as well look nice.
5. Find something more original than the 23rd Psalm and "Amazing Grace." Seriously, people. The Bible is full of appropriate scripture readings, and the hymnal is full of appropriate songs. Find one that will cause people to really think, really mourn, really worship.
Death is a hard thing to wrap your brain around. It never comes at the right time, and often there isn't a lot of time to prepare for it. That's why everyone needs to help their families out by having some idea of what they want their funeral to be like. Grieving people are not the most creative people, and your family is not going to be in the mood to make a lot of artistic decisions regarding your funeral. We spend years planning our weddings, months planning the births of our children, so it's only right to spend a little time planning how you want to say goodbye. Your family will want to look back on your funeral fondly. You could help make something that is difficult and painful into something that they will hold dear to their hearts.
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