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As you may know, I have begun to potty training our precious little Alice. I have looked toward this time with no small amount of trepidation. Potty training, your reputation precedes you. I have consulted books and discussed potty training with other women, particularly my mom, whose priceless wisdom has always proven so valuable. As a result, I’ve begun to question the popular approach to potty training, which mostly consists of out-and-out bribery.
My initial experience with potty training is that it is slow going. Hit and miss. Mostly miss, so far. It’s a process that does not take hours or days, but weeks. Okay, so it takes months. When faced with countless hours of trying to get a kid to successfully use the potty, I can understand why parents dangle candy, stickers, new toys and other rewards in front of their child in order to gain their cooperation. Most potty training resources back up this approach as acceptable. For whatever reason, this made me feel uncomfortable. So if I start doling out M&Ms when Alice makes a "deposit," when should I stop doing this? Might Alice decide that if there is to be no reward, there will be no more need to use the potty? It made me feel creepy and manipulative. And also, it made me feel like I would be cheating her (and me) out of the natural reward of learning to use the potty.
Life is full of these little natural rewards, more valuable by far than goodies or even a shopping spree. I think a lot of folks have lost sight of these sweet rewards, these feelings of accomplishment. They have become cheapened by the "What’s in it for me?" attitude that we have unwittingly cultivated in our children. My mom always says that there are some things that we do just because they are expected of us. We learn to use the potty because we are human beings designed to develop in this basic but important way. We clean up our messes and are kind to our family members because we want to contribute to making a happy home. We return someone’s lost wallet not because we hope there will be a reward, but because we are members of society and want to promote decency, trustworthiness, and peace.
I didn’t offer Alice candy when she was learning how to walk. I don’t give her a sticker when she speaks new words. And as she grows up, when she learns to draw, to learn her ABCs and 123s, to read, etc. I hope that she does all these things because they are their own reward.
As Clay and I were discussing these things, Clay observed, "Children are not puppies. But I think most people think that they are." This observation gave me the desire to give Alice some credit for being a human being. A human being who God intended to graduate from diapers in due time. As we take this journey, I pray that I will give Alice the best of my patience, encouragement and love.
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