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Tomorrow Clay and I will celebrate our beautiful, brilliant daughter's first birthday. This has been the most extraordinary year of my life, and I reflect on it with a cocktail of emotions that not even I can fully express or even understand.
Sometimes I am still amazed with the realization that I am a mother. It is a wonderful and mysterious relationship. Motherhood is so common, and yet so miraculous. During my pregnancy, I could never completely grasp the sheer glory of carrying a living and growing child within me. I was watching a great documentary on childbirth the other day (The Business of Being Born, which I highly recommend as food for thought.) Every time a baby was born, my mouth dropped open in astonishment at the beauty of a baby emerging from a woman's body. I cheered, I wept...I couldn't comprehend it. I remember the first time I saw Alice, I thought, "I can't believe how beautiful she is. I can't believe this perfect baby just came out of me!"
Before Alice was born, I told Clay that we shouldn't try to have any expectations or even try to prepare ourselves mentally for Alice's birth. I knew there was no way we could ready ourselves for adding a child to our lives. There was no way to know what it would really be like. I was right. Nearly every aspect of my life has changed. The adjustment was a very difficult one for me, and it took me a long time to heal from the emotional and physical upheaval of childbirth. Everything was a challenge for me. It felt like I couldn't do anything right and nothing was going well. Everything seemed dark and frightening and irreparable. Sometimes I didn't think I would live through it. But I did live. And eventually, I thrived. In spite of the rocky start, this has been the best year of my life.
The other day, I was chatting with a friend about the phrase "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." We both mocked this idea, and my friend said that there are plenty of things that may not succeed in actually doing us in, but leave us plenty worse for wear. This is true for many things, but not for parenthood. Parents are forced to face the uncomfortable truth that they MUST get stronger because they CANNOT lie down and give up! Though time may not heal all wounds, there is also a sense in which it does heal the cuts and bruises we encounter as we learn to parent. That is something I often tell new moms, although it sounds like dismal advice. After all, you can't rush time. You can't implore it or earn its pity. There's no way through it but through it. But I hope that my forecast will give new moms hope that help is on the way, that it will get better. A mother once told me that parenting gets better all the time. So far, she was right.
What I feel most today is pride and perhaps relief. I am so proud of Alice. I love to show her off, talk about her, and just be around her. I was surprised to find what great, fun company she is! She is growing and learning so much. I'm also proud of myself. I've taken some really hard knocks, but I have not given up. I'm proud that I kept nursing her even through the hard times. I'm proud that I am able to nurture her. I'm proud of how much I've grown as a person. But my pride is tempered by the knowledge that I still have such a long way to go. I never realized what a selfish, impatient person I was until I had a child! A dear friend told me that motherhood stretches you in ways you can't possibly imagine. Boy, was she right! I often feel that I've taken up a strenuous gauntlet only to trip and blunder at every turn. I am often so disappointed when I am revealed to be far less than perfect. Though I never will be perfect, I hope that as the years go by, I will strive to get better and better at mothering. I hope that Alice will always feel my love for her and that I will do right by her.
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